i have to go back to Athens tomorrow. it doesn’t feel like i’ve had a break at all and today was just plain out weird. This will be the third year that my sister has had to miss Thanksgiving and my brother is in Afghanistan so he couldn’t be here. Holidays just don’t feel right unless all the family is here and we didn’t eat our dinner until late. My mom had most already made things the day before so it was just last minute cooking and heating… it was just different and small. But i like stuffy holidays where all the family is everywhere, when people laugh at the littlest things and enjoy great food.

My nephew and sister-in-law did get to come which is always exciting. William (my nephew) has finally learned how to say my name… RuRu, we decided Ruth Ann was too hard and i don’t let anyone call me just Ruth. i adore this little boy- he reminds me so much of my brother. He has the greatest smile and laugh… when i love on him i get a glimpse of what having kids of my own would be like. i hope to one day have that joy. Oh and William loved my pound cake!!

People always ask around this time what we are thankful for. The usual answers are family, friends… yadda yadda. And those are reasonable answers… but tonight i am thankful for patience from my heavenly daddy. For forgiving me time and time again when i never deserved it. For a love like none other. But i’m also thankful that i have a secure future with Him that will be absolute perfection- i long for that day.

Keep me in your prayers… i have the opportunity to go to Israel for spring break. i am 98% sure that it is God’s will and i asked my parents the other night. They didn’t seem too thrilled…. but but but if it is the Almighty’s will it will work out.

it is pretty bad when you have to watch a chick flick for class. i have 2 papers left for the semester… (getting close- picture me doing a crazy dance) and one is on the movie, Something New. i didn’t get to pick the movie, my professor did and it does have interesting communication in the movie. It is about interracial relationships and it does have Simon Baker, who is a handsome fellow to look at. But i don’t want to be writing a paper on my Thanksgiving Break…. ugh. i don’t ever get anything done at home, especially when my nephew William is coming later. Although i did get to go running today, i forgot that people here wave when they drive by- it is funny but a southern thang.

My other paper is for my Rhetorical Criticism class and i think i’m going to write about ideology. It would be really interesting to do religion but i’m unsure about how to go about it.

Wow, i’ve written three days in a row… a sign of boredom at home. Well i need to do an outline for my paper and i’m making a pound cake tomorrow- secret recipe!! (it is a fact that pound cake will be at my wedding- no exceptions)

after finally getting home last night my mom, my little brother, and myself decided to get up at 6am this morning to go to Atlanta to see my grandpa. My grandpa has been in a nursing home for about 4 years now and my grandmother passed away about 3 years ago. My grandmother had dementia and now my grandpa is very advance in the disease as well. He has gotten to a point where he doesn’t remember us.

So we drove about 4 hours and visited with him for about 2 hours. It was a good visit but it broke my heart. To see a man that means so much to me not even be able to eat his lunch on his own… it was all i could do not to cry right there in front of him and my mom. i remember when i was young my grandpa would go on a lot of field trips with me because my parents couldn’t. We went to the jacksonville zoo together and the strawberry farm. He is the one that taught me to sample one grape before buying the bunch in the store and to always go to Sam’s on Saturdays for lunch because they had lots of samples

i also watched him take care of my grandma and her health problems for all 50+ years that they were married. i miss the grandpa that i know… the one that smiles and laughs all the time and eats lots of peanut butter. i am glad that we went to see him but it breaks my heart every time.

i fear being like that… to loss my memory of everything. i never want to forget my family, friends, or experiences. Or especially forget who God is, what He has done for me, how He loves me, or who He has made me today.

Matt 13:44

so i decided to drive home today. originally i was going to work early on in the week and then go home for the weekend but somehow at work i got schedule for Friday and Saturday so hooray four hours in the car. Usually i don’t mind this drive, especially when it is pretty weather or when it is fall. But today has been nothing but fog, rain, and slowing down for such things. As i’ve gotten older i’ve wanted to go home more but can’t and kinda wished i didn’t live so far away. Anyways, the four hours usually give me plenty of time to wrestle with God and myself about some things.

i can pretty much say that i have searched for a guy my whole life. i know you might be like, “whoa Ruthie, tmi” but i need to get that out there. i harbor a lot of anger towards God because i’ve never dated and feel like there is never going to be a good Christian guy that notices me. So basically the first hour of the trip was me yelling and crying to God about my pain. About how i am tried of being alone and i’m tried of having this huge struggle all the time. (in my relationship with God this is probably number one struggle- blame it on being a girl) so i got frustrated about getting the same answer from God as i always do. i didn’t understand why i am attracted to great Christian guys and then i have to get over them…. that has been the process my whole life. (although for a long time i wasn’t looking at the Christian guys)

i really fear being alone. One of the reasons i am doubting about doing Journeyman with IMB after college is because you can’t date on that program and i’m afraid that by the time i get done with my 2 years i be set for being single for the rest of my life. Meanwhile God is like, what is wrong with that… and then i give the usual excuses. So i’m driving and i get tired of my music and i plug in my laptop to listen to some podcast. (this is a trick i learned a long time ago, makes the trip go so much faster) i’ve been listening to a lot of matt chandler lately (thanks kimbo) and i think he is pretty good in being direct in his messages. So i pick up on a series by him that i hadn’t listened to in a while. Guess what the sermon is on… marriage. Coincidence, i think not.

i was tempted to turn it off even though i knew God had something in there He wanted me to hear… so i listen to it for a whole hour and lets just say it broke my heart.  He talked about 1 Peter 3 where it is talking about wives being submissive to their husbands. i’m not a feminist, so honestly i don’t have a problem with the content of this message. i totally agree that women should be submissive to their husbands in the way the Bible lays out. So i thought God wasn’t really going to get me this time… i was wrong, as usual.

matt started talking about women and how they behave. For a man, he did a really good job describing women’s problems. First he starts talking about women’s messed up view of physical beauty and he read Proverbs 31. A little piece of me has always felt like i would never be a Proverbs 31 woman. There is nothing wrong with braided hair or wearing jewelry or makeup…. it is when those things come in place of character. A woman’s spirit should be inwardly adored from the years of investing in her relationship with God and then she will speak wisdom.

One of his main points that hit me was that the Proverbs 31 woman put her hope in the Lord- it wasn’t in her husband. For so long i have searched for my happiness in a man, for him to fix all my problems. But that isn’t his job, he isn’t made for those kinds of pressures, but there is a God who is. i know these are simple things and i should have gotten them a long time ago but tonight they just finally seemed to fit. And i probably didn’t do a good job of explaining what matt was trying to explain so just listen to the sermon yourself. (The Village Church Podcast on itunes, The Path (part 7) It is crazy to me how one minute i can be so mad at God and then He explains something like this and all my anger just vanishes. Finally my simple human brain understands a certain part of the complexity of God.

And then there is part two of the trip home… i was driving along and was about an hour from my hometown when i saw this car with its flashers on. For some reason i felt like i needed to pull over and help, but i didn’t actually see anyone in the car so i drove on. Then about a mile down the road i saw this guy walking and he didn’t look like a hitchhiker. My immediate thought was that he was the driver of that car and that i should stop and help him. i don’t know why i felt such conviction from the Spirit. But then i started hearing all these other voices of my family and friends warning me not to be unsafe. i hate when people pull that card and sometimes i just wish i was a man so i wouldn’t have these problems.

i asked God why this guy, and He told me that he needed to know about His love. So after i drove about 5 miles i pulled over and seriously debated turning around to go find the guy. i know with all my heart that God will protect me from anything, why should i fear him. i know what everyone says, that it is unsafe and that i could get raped, robbed, or even murdered…. on and on the list goes. i faced all that ridicule when i worked with the homeless, but i learned something about them from my time with them. People don’t want to be defined by stereotypes.

Anyways i drove on, and then i pulled over on the road again and started debating. i couldn’t get it out of my head and there was such conviction about helping this guy. i could fill this blog with countless of missed opportunities and i hate that…. tonight is an one more example to go on the record. i never did actually go back to look for him and now i’ll be left to nothing but wondering. i’m not stupid and i don’t put myself in stupid situations but when the Lord asks me to do something i want to be obedient. i wish people could have seen that guy i saw tonight the way i see him, i don’t see him as someone that can rape or murder me but as a human that needs to know about God and His love.

i’ve been really upclose and raw tonight so don’t be so quick to judge… now i need to soak everything in from today.

so i know that i already wrote about one adventure last week, but i had another one this past Friday that just needs to be shared with my blog audience (no matter how small it is)

Last Friday i didn’t have any class because the NCA (National Communication Association) Conference was that week and all my Speech Communication professors went to it. It was a glorious day, originally i wanted to go to north Georgia and hike… but i was told by a friend that it was very unwise and unsafe to go do that alone. Words cannot express my disappointment. So without grief, i made new plans to go to the botanical gardens in Athens. The botans (as my friend Maddie calls them) are less then a mile from my apartment and next to my apartment is a powerline strip that i was positive led to the botanical gardens. So i decided to walk down that path and see if it actually did lead to the trails of the gardens.

So first i came to this ravine covered in kudzu and i climbed down it. There was water in the bottom but there also happened to be a log over the water. So i just walked across and problem fixed. Then i ran across this road and jumped a fence. There wasn’t a sign that said “no trespassing” so it was legal… i think.

Then i followed these truck marks and eventually came to an area marked off with tape that said “wetland.” At this point i was a little discourage and didn’t know how to get around it but finally i just got over it and ran across a part that was shallow. Then i passed my friend, Michael’s house… but i didn’t really want him to see me, that could be embarrassing. Then i came up the hill and there i saw it- the white trail!!

So i was really happy- my task was halfway accomplish. i walked for a little bit then stopped and did some journaling/ reading. It was a great time to just walk and pray to God about a lot of stuff. And then i kept going and made this friend:

i almost missed him, but he was friendly enough to let me take a picture of him. Then i went on the part of the trail that goes along the river. As i talked about earlier, we received a lot of rain last week and the Oconee River always floods no matter the amount of rain. So the trail started to get soggy and very muddy. But i didn’t care about a little mud, i wanted to walk and so i kept trekking it. (i also declared it my Jane Austin day, since she liked to take long walks and i do too… plus by the end of this journey my helm was more then in 6 inches deep in mud) So i have to slow down because of all this mud and it was very slippery. Then i come to this one part where there was swamp on my left, an overflowing river with a strong current on my right, and then a current going right across my path.

i was not about to turn around after just walking for 15 minutes in mud…. so i broke off a stick from a tree and stuck it in the water. And as my friend, Stephanie pointed out… it did look like i was trying to be Moses and part the Red Sea. But actually i was trying to see how deep the water was, but it wasn’t too bad and i decided to cross. i kept the stick out in front of me to make sure there wasn’t a drop off or something and i finally made it across. Then as i kept walking i remembered that i didn’t take a picture of the current and went back just to take a picture so people would believe me. So here is the current i crossed:

By this time, i am really excited about my accomplishments, not only did i find the white trail, but i met a snake, trampled through mud, and i got to pretend to be Moses. Then the white trail ends but i didn’t want to stop walking so i continued on the Orange trail. This is the trail that i usually run on, so i know the path pretty well. Majority of it goes by the river and pretty soon i get to this part where you can’t even see the trail. There was water everywhere. Once again i didn’t want to turn around, so i thought maybe it wasn’t that long. i took off my shoes and tried to ignore the feeling of stepping on something i couldn’t see in the murky water. So here is the river with its very strong currents and my path:

Eventually i get to a part where the water is too deep to take anymore pictures so just imagine with me the scene. Me walking through brown water that is very creepy, a huge dangerous river that i could fall into any minute and my determination to get through this. About half way though i started getting scared (and i am a lifeguard so it takes a lot to scare me when it comes to water) and basically am praying my way though. Finally i come to the end of the water and i see the path again. The water was above my knee and you would think the botanical gardens would put up a sign that said the paths are flooded, but no they didn’t. And check out this bench and my favorite tree:

So here is happy me before all this happened and then at the end, i didn’t even care. See

Overall, it was a lot of fun and i’m glad i did it. But now i really know from experience not to go on the trails after a big rain. i did get to walk about 5 miles though and just enjoy God’s creation regardless of the weather affect.

P.S. this post took way too long… probably broke a record.

so today i came home to my apartment and got really mad about stupid things. i like the kitchen to be clean and somehow i feel like i’m the only one that cleans this place. Looking back on it, i wish i didn’t have that kind of anger in my heart- it was shameful. And it wasn’t like i was having a bad day before that or anything. i only had one class today so i got to talk to my professor afterward about a study abroad program and things where good but for some foolish reason i got really upset about that little thing.

i didn’t really yell at anyone, i usually hold things in because i hate confrontation and arguments. So after i cleaned, i went for a run but then i pushed myself too hard and ended up hurting my leg. Stupid me. (probably doesn’t help that i already have bad knees) Then i went to work.

Work was fine, but something made me frustrated. i hate when people point all the wrong that Christians do… this christian guy’s actions made a bad impression on my coworker. So naturally people make the judgement that most Christians are that way, that we really aren’t any different. The Holy Spirit has been a recent topic for me lately. And my pastor made the comment that how is it that people who don’t even believe in God are happier then we as Christians who have the Holy Spirit and are suppose to be filled with the Spirit and His joy. He is right. Today is the perfect example in my own life and how i need so much more of the Spirit to fill me.

i’m finally getting the opportunity to study abroad. My department, Speech Communications, has one program in Costa Rica where you travel around the country and observe communication. i’m not sure how i feel about Costa Rica because it is so touristy but hopefully we won’t be around that part. It is so funny because i was thinking about doing the program but wasn’t sure. But then my friend came over and started talking about how she was going to do it, but she isn’t even in my major. So i took that as an invitation that maybe i should do this. Now i just have to apply for tons of scholarships.

And there is another place i’ll probably get to go to for Spring Break, but you are going to have to wait to hear about that…

Te-amo

Matthew 13:44

so i went running today which is usually nothing new, but today i ran into several constraints.

Constraint #1: i was running along the normal trail that i always take when i see there is a huge, i mean a huge tree that has fallen on my path. No prob, right? i went off the trail a little to try to get around it, but then was cut off by a creek. So sadly i had to turn around and take another part of the trail.

Constraint #2: so i’m running, running and feeling pretty good about my pace then i see this huge puddle/lake ahead on the trail. There are huge bushes on either side of the path so i try to balance on the edge between the bushes and this lake. Pretty soon i’m slipping into this ice water and my hair falls into the bushes which turn out to have thorns. i somehow got some cuts on my knee, the one that already had the brace on it and then i see a fellow runner. Not wanting to appear to this person like i’m letting this lake stop me, i act like i’m running the other direction. Then once i see that she just walked through the lake i because jealous. So then i had to prove to myself that i could do that to… so then i tread through the water and get my shoes soaking wet. And as i’m walking through this, i started thinking this would be the ideal location for a snake… although i didn’t actually encounter one.

Constraint #3: further up the trail i hit another patch of water, but this one isn’t as deep as #2, so i just run through it with my already wet shoes.

Constraint #4: the wind was about 20 mph today which meant especially one thing to me, my headphones wouldn’t stay in my ears. (i’m not a good runner without music)

(why are all these things asking you may ask- we got lots of rain and wind yesterday from a tropical storm off the coast. So even after the actual storm is over there are still the aftermath effects that we have to face)

The whole time i was running i couldn’t help comparing my run to my walk with God. Sometimes God puts things in my path that make me have to totally turn around. Sometimes God has to bring other people into my life to show me how to get through things. And once i’ve been through some things, they aren’t so hard the next time. So yeah, i know this is a silly metaphor and very simple- but hey, we can’t all be like C.S. Lewis.

Oh, i kinda have some shameful news. This semester i haven’t really done anything with the homeless. Every time i tried to go downtown to find my friends, i never saw them. So i haven’t seen any of them since July or early August. Well, today i was walking to my car downtown and i saw my friend, Melinda. She is actually one of the homeless people that i got the closest to and actually told her my story. i don’t think she saw me so i started making excuses in my head of why i shouldn’t stop to say hey. None of my reasons really justify my actions, but i made them do just that at the time. Then i went to church tonight to help with the youth group. Joel talked about loving others and while he was talking i was thinking about using my example of how i worked with the homeless this summer. Then the Spirit quickly reminded me who i saw today and what i did. i was really ashamed of myself and really don’t understand why i did that this afternoon. i told my group tonight about what happened and what i did. It wasn’t easy telling them, gosh- i have so much pride.

Well, i have my last Portuguese test tomorrow… honestly there is way to much material on this test…. have no idea how i’m going to remember it all. Trusting in the Spirit to bring it all back to my mind and help me understand it.

so it has become more than apparent to me that i have extremely low self esteem. This past sunday my friend Maryann said i had pretty nails and my immediate response was, “I hate them.” i pointed out to her to some of my nails are curved and some a square (yeah, those are nail terms- don’t judge). But why did i do that, why did i immediately shoot down her comment? And why did i have such a harsh tone and picked the word “hate”. Some would say that it is spur of the moment, but i can guarantee there is more to it. Because the next day i had another similar incident.

i was at work, and justin was coming in for his shift. He asked who’s shift was over and i pointed to my co worker Jon. i heard Justin say something and i automatically assume that it is some negative/joking comment about he doesn’t want to close with me. Turns out that isn’t what he said at all, but at first that is what i accused him of. Justin and i have a good joking relationship. Deep down i know that he is just messing with me when he jokes about certain things, but he also made the comment that i have really low self esteem and quote, “which is ridiculous” (because apparently i’m gangster).

For some reason i always have this feeling that people don’t like me…. but maybe the root of it is that i’m not really happy with myself and who i am. i’ll admit, since college my self esteem has been shot numerous times but isn’t college suppose to be that time where you find yourself? (who knows) Sure there are lots of things i could blame this problem on, but what good will it do pointing fingers at people (including myself).

i just bought Switchfoot’s (my favorite band) new album, Hello Hurricanes. It sounds really good so far, but i would pretty much buy anything with Jon Foreman involved. That man is a musical/lyric genius. My money goes way too much towards music- currently i have 2792 items on my itunes. Would it be really hard for me to give this material item up- yep. Keeping that as a new year’s resolution ideal.

This week is really easy going- all my speech communication professors are going to the NCA (national communication association) conference so i only have one class tomorrow and absolutely none on Friday. i have my last Portuguese test on Thursday… i don’t know what to do about my Portuguese minor. If i go beyond this point in class it will mostly be literature and not really language classes. Portuguese is such a hard language, i really wish i could just go immerse myself in Portugal or Brazil again. i’m torn between the two countries now that i’ve been to both. Who knows where the Lord will really take me. (i just found out that my friend’s church is taking a trip to Israel, which is another place i’ve always dreamed of going) Since i have no class on friday this calls for a hike. i’ve been dying to go on a hike with the vibrate colors of the fall leaves, hopefully it won’t rain so i can go and think all this stuff over.

Oh, good news! The tribe/small group that i led was really awesome this past week. We had 5 girls (which may seem small to you, but is absolutely amazing to me) and the conversation was amazing. We didn’t have a lot to talk about lesson wise because the high school is kinda going through a transition period. We talked about Luke 9:24, where it talks about losing your life is when you find it. And then i asked them to share their highs and lows in their spiritual walks (usually we just do in general highs and lows). It was really amazing and encouraging to hear some of them open up and share about their relationship with God. All the past weeks of praying, misunderstandings, and discouragement was all worthwhile for what happened this past Sunday. It is such a joy to watch these girls grow and to have God use me in this area.

Well, i got some fresh pureed pumpkin in the fridge begging to be made into some fabulous pumpkin bread.

phil. 2

so i finally got Francis Chan’s new book: Forgotten God and a new Francine Rivers book about women in the lineage of Jesus. The whole Francis and Francine thing was completely coincidental…

i just finished the 1st chapter of Chan’s book- good stuff so far. The book is about how the Holy Spirit has been forgotten in today’s churches. Coming from a baptist background, i’ve always had certain limits on the Spirit… i want Him to move and live in me, but then i don’t believe He can do certain things. i’ve always cut Him off short, yeah, there have definitely been times in my life was i was totally attuned to the Spirit but honesty i can’t say that right now.

God has been reminding me how important His word is. This year i’ve been reading through the whole Bible. Ever new year’s i try to do this, but this is actually the furtherest i’ve gotten. i’m a little behind and it has been a struggle. So many times i just read it to check it off my list of things to do for that day… but i didn’t want to do that this time. Sometimes it was successful, other times not. One of the reasons i’m behind is because some days i would just stop reading because i knew my heart wasn’t in it…. i was just doing it so i could brag that i’ve read through the whole Bible one time. But something that is striking to me is that even if this is accomplished there are still things i forget. i don’t remember all the stories of the Bible, the people, or even certain things that spoke to me on a certain day. This book isn’t something i can just read once and be done with… it has to be picked up again and again. It will always be that way because i am a human trying to figure out God. If i look back on my life and see the times where i was closest to God, it is always when i’m in His word daily… and not just for 5 minutes but for hours.

Well, i have to go work on Portuguese and i have a test today over Latin American history…. i wish i went to a school with no tests or grades, it would make the experience so much more enjoyable.

i’m constantly asking myself what am i doing with my life? This semester’s end is rapidly approaching and i keep wondering where the time goes. i remember goofing off so much my freshman year, now i’m doing good if i get to see my friends. Before you know it i’ll be twenty-one years old, graduating from college soon and then what? Am i suppose to just find a husband, go to the mission field and we just live for Christ together?

People keep asking me what i’m going to do after i graduate- stop it! i don’t even know what i’m going to do the rest of this week. Do i go to seminary right after my undergrad- where do i go to seminary? Do i just say, “no more school” and do something like the journeyman program? Or maybe i’ll just go hang with my friends in Brazil for a few years? As you can see i struggle with my personality and trying to find me. i want to find myself in Christ…. but then why is it always, “i, i, i….”

Well, as usual i’m really behind in school work and have to be to work at four…. i hope i never live my life in such a rush that i forget about actually living.

P.S. i didn’t do so hot on that test that i wrote about in the last post…. ahhh, sometimes i just hate school.